Primordialism Instrumentalism

I sought the Lord, He heard me & delivered me from my fears

Since Wednesday, I have had this feeling of loneliness, fatigue and invulnerability in me. I feared the worse - of sinking into melancholy and despondency, perhaps even loosing my varocious appetite and thoughts of suicide.

Then came Thursday, birthday treat for Ailing and Jovi. A wholesome dinner at the Manhattan's Fish Market followed by the movie - XMen: The Last Stand. This was when all the complications and mixed feelings inside me began, resulting in a whole misunderstanding on Friday.

Oh yes, Friday was CCN Day, this is the first time I bothered to look around, but I was not in the mood to enjoy the food, games and merchandise galore, was to pre - occupied with my thoughts. Then there was the SA interview which we sift out the cream of the crop.

Towards the end, where everyone was relaxing, I shared some of my thoughts to a friend and caused a big misunderstanding, in the end, under tremendous stress, hurt and pain, I broke down.

However, my thanks, appreciation and gratitude to the following people:

Tian - Thanks your advice and listening to my problems

Li Ping - Thank you for sharing your testimony and your ever - encouraging personality

Alex - Thanks for your patience in hearing me out

That night, I bought some food for a lonely dinner at home and some time for reflection.

I prayed and cried out to God in spiritual songs, His love and mercies so strong, it transcended through me, bringing me to my knees. Finally, I decided that I was going to come clean with everything.

I hesitated a little, but after lunch I mustered up the courage for a heart - to heart talk with Jovi. Confessing my feelings for her, which was the cause of my unpleasant attitude I projected to her all this while.

I thank you for taking the time off to listen to me rattling off. All this while, I never understood you. I thought you were being cold towards me, that you were taking me for granted and using me. Never did I know that probably, it was just the way I carried myself.
Now I understand, I am also glad that we handled this issue like mature adults. I respect your decision. Perhaps we are really not meant for each other.

Whatever it is, I hope that our friendship would continue to blossom and you will be my Vice President and confidante. That's all I ask.

I can't believe it. Although we are not together, I have the same happiness as though I've been accepted, I guess its just your maturity and street smart personality that overwhelms me. Anyway, I came clear with a big dark secret and I feel free as a dove.

Last night, went for dinner and window shopping with Mr. Neo and helped look after his kids. I really wished I could live such an innocent and carefree life like them.

Well got to go now, till next time.

posted by Primordialism Instrumentalism @ 6:27 AM